"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18
She died Saturday and I learned of it Sunday night. It took until Monday morning to decide to fly to Michigan for the funeral. Sarah, the mother, is my "old best friend". I think everyone has a few of those. I hadn't spoken to her in years but we reconnected around my cancer diagnosis. I suppose this new tragedy offers a way for me to redeem myself after years of being a bad friend. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure there were other ways. This isn't the redemption I was praying for, Lord! I wanted you to grow back my eyelashes and smooth away my new wrinkles!
"As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him." Psalm 18:30
He is a shield to all who trust in Him." Psalm 18:30
I feel like I'm suffocating. There's a weight on my chest that is heavier at night. Cancer has taught me how important it is to be there for people and I do it (or try to) without the strings or questions. But I'm worthless to her now, the baby has already died! I wouldn't have come for the funeral if it was before everything I've been through, but because of it I felt compelled. It made more sense to come later, after everyone but Sarah and her family went back to their old lives. But, God said now is the time I should go, so I did. He lined up everything so it wasn't even a big hardship. But, um, what now? What is the point? I have no wisdom, no power, no strength to offer.
"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You." Psalm 143:8
She says she has a great support system and I know she'll be surrounded by loved ones, so I will just hug her and hang out. Maybe my silent prayers will help her in the future. Maybe. God is in this. So why I am?
"...we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You." 2 Chronicles 20:12
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